My morning sickness misery – an analogy!

This is how I explain morning sickness to my male or never-been-pregnant friends…

Imagine that you went drinking last night… heavily.  We’re not talking beer here; we’re talking your three favorite men – Jose, Jack, and Jim (Beam, that is).  So you closed the bar down with your bestest friends, maybe managed to keep your clothes on, made your way home through the kindness of a friend, and crashed into bed where you slept through your alarm clock and woke up at 9AM – late for work.

You roll over and immediately realize that something just doesn’t feel right, especially with your stomach.  The very thought of eating something (even a cracker) makes you break out into a cold sweat and roils your stomach into a nauseous ball. You know that you’ll feel worse if you don’t eat so you try something good – carbohydrates!  Crackers, plain waffles, anything to get *something* on that queasy pit in your midsection.

Good.. it stays down and you start to feel ok.  You may be able to lick this thing after all!  On your way to work you realize that you need gas so you stop at the local station to fill up.  As soon as the pump starts glugging out overpriced gasoline you get the first whiff of noxious gas fumes which make you begin dry heaving over the filling station’s trash can. 

Right before lunch when your stomach usually starts to growl it instead gets that greasy nasty ‘i-don’t-wanna-eat-anything’ feeling and lunch sounds absolutely unappetizing.  But because you don’t your co-workers (or your boss!) to know that you were out boozing it up the night before you force yourself to go out to eat with them to a place of their choice and pray that it’s not the Chinese buffet.

Once you’re out, you load up on the water to keep yourself hydrated and hopefully to get that icky feeling to go away – no dice.  At the restaurant you order something small – just enough to get you through the meal without looking suspicious – and try not to gag as your co-workers plow through all you can eat wings at the local joint.  Even the very THOUGHT of chicken makes you want to be violently ill. 

Once you’re away from the smorgasord of disgusting smells, that roiling in your stomach eases somewhat and the afternoon passes fairly regularly.  You head home from work with the windows rolled down, belting out ‘Girls Girls Girls’ by Motley Crue and are in great spirits even as you navigate rush hour traffic.

However, the dreaded dinner hour arrives and with that, a decision to make.  You can’t stand the thought of touching raw food, being able to handle all the smells of food cooking, and debate ordering a pizza just to get the pain over with.  However, you decide to eat something healthy…  and end up gagging over the broccoli that just sounded a few minutes ago sounded absolutely awesome.  In fact, you can’t even tolerate having the dish of green remains anywhere NEAR you so you make your roommate (or significant other) dispose of the carcass.

An hour later you feel a little more settled and all of a sudden, your body kicks in with an intensely powerful craving for… OREOS AND MILK!  Not just an ordinary, “gee, I’d like some Oreos and maybe some milk” feeling but “GottaHaveOreosandGottaHave’EmNOWWWWWW” type demand.  It’s hard to resist so you relent, knowing all the while that it will just make you feel gross.

Pretty soon you recover and pass out on the sofa around 8:30PM – exhausted from doing just your regular day’s activities.  You wake up around 10, crawl up to bed, and set your alarm for the next morning.  However, you can’t get comfortable on your side because you’re normally a back or stomach sleeper.  When you finally fall asleep your body awakens you at 3AM having to use the restroom.  You navigate the long hallway (funny how it seems shorter in the daylight), sneak into the bathroom, and then make the tiresome journey back to bed.

Wake up 5 minutes before your alarm goes off and still have that hungover gross stomach feeling that you had yesterday.  Repeat for the next 8 weeks.

Welcome to my world.

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Week 3 Picks

Week 3
SUN, SEP 21 TIME (ET) TV    
Kansas City at Atlanta 1:00 PM CBS ATL  
Oakland at Buffalo 1:00 PM CBS BUF  
Tampa Bay at Chicago 1:00 PM FOX CHI  
Houston at Tennessee 1:00 PM CBS TEN  
Carolina at Minnesota 1:00 PM FOX CAR  
Miami at New England 1:00 PM CBS NE  
Cincinnati at NY Giants 1:00 PM CBS NYG  
Arizona at Washington 1:00 PM FOX WAS*  
Detroit at San Francisco 4:05 PM FOX DET*  
St. Louis at Seattle 4:05 PM FOX SEA  
New Orleans at Denver 4:05 PM FOX NEW  
Pittsburgh at Philadelphia 4:15 PM CBS PIT  
Jacksonville at Indianapolis 4:15 PM CBS IND  
Cleveland at Baltimore 4:15 PM CBS BAL  
Dallas at Green Bay 8:15 PM NBC DAL  
MON, SEP 22 TIME (ET) TV    
NY Jets at San Diego 8:30 PM ESPN NYJ  

Football is life…

I’m the type of girl who watches all three football games on Sunday – the 1PM CBS, either the 4 PM CBS or the FOX game (whichever looks to be the better matchup), and of course, the Sunday Night game at 8PM.  However, I skip the grotesque Bob Costas debacle, “Football Night in America” even though it means not being able to see Jerome Bettis.  Sacrifices, sacrifices. 

So this past week was Week 2 of the NFL season or as the guys on the Fox pre-show – Jimmy, Terry, Howie, Strahan, and the guy who replaced the one guy who went to CBS – were referring to as ‘After Week 1.’  I watched the horrific Titans / Bengals matchup while trying to get some other things done.  Finally, in the third quarter I sat down and really started looking at the screen, amazed at the strength of the wind whipping the trash around the stadium.  My husband gets home from his weekly golf tee time (hallelujah – it’s my five hours of undisturbed freedom!) and changes the channel during the commerical.  Before I can blast him for his blasphemy I notice that the sound of the wind that I previously thought was on the Bengals game is continuing during the program he’s watching. 

 Uh Oh.

Tuned to the Jets game hoping to see Favre-oh in his new uniform.  Right as  the game started we lost all power.  I figured that I could miss seeing the Jets, but the countdown began to the Sunday Night Game… the quintissential showdown between the Steelers and the Browns.  Of course, there was no doubt about the final outcome of the game but it would be clearly distressing not to see it happen… play-by-play. 

Needless to say, I missed the Steelers Browns game due to the power outage but I *did* manage to catch the first quarter on the radio (woo hoo – kickin’ it oldschool!) on the way up to the local Emergency Room to check on my grandmother who had fallen.  Of course, not only was this was the right thing to do but it also passed through my mind that the hospital was the only place in the entire county that had power!  If they admitted her then I would get to see the game!  Of course, they made her wait in the ER for what seemed to be an interminably long time (over 3 hours) but I guess people with broken collarbones, split open heads, and other more severe wind-related injuries came first.  I finally made it home around 2AM – still no power.

I then started the mental countdown to Monday Night Football…

Poor Potsy got a $7,500 fine… don’t throw Browns fans the bird…

James “Potsy” Farrior got fined $7,500 by the league for an ‘obscene gesture’ made to Browns fans during Sunday night’s game.  Apparently, fans were celebrating a minor injury to Safety Ryan Clark. 

Well, at least he showed restraint and didn’t body slam the guy like Harrison did a few years ago (see video below – priceless!)  You would have thought Browns fans would have learned their lesson by now.